Coming Out of Retirement Isn't Easy

Coming out of retirement isn't easy. Now, I am not talking about the kind Brett Favre or Michael Phelps pulled on us. I am talking about the kind where you come out of retirement to start the next chapter of your life...

I am coming out of retirement and I sometimes find that I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself anymore.

Let me explain.

I have been a student-athlete since elementary school. It has been my lifestyle since day one: sweat in the classroom and on the track. I put all my energy into being the best student I could possibly be, while giving my sport all the guts and glory I had to offer.

Well, as of May 2016, those days are behind me. I no longer have the title of student-athlete: the name tag I wore with the utmost pride. And now I am left looking around in confusion...

This is very difficult for me to admit, to write about, and share with all of you. But it's something I need to do. *Warning: this post is going to get personal.

Since as far as I can remember, I have always been the girl who had 5 million things on her plate and somehow accomplished them all. There was never a summer where I wasn't working (sometimes multiple jobs) and being OCD about getting my workouts in (and done to a T).

But that was just the girl I was. It was the lifestyle I best identified with. It was the lifestyle that I thrived in.

Fast forward to the present: Summer 2016.

My few months of relaxation, recovering from being a DI athlete, and finally giving myself a break, has come to an end. It is time to get my butt back into gear...and it hasn't been easy.

I am coming out of retirement and I sometimes find that I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself anymore...when coming out of retirement means finding your way back to yourself.

No, I haven't been working this summer. I was focused on spending time with my family: time that I have missed out on over the past 4 years. I was also focused on making connections in the field of broadcasting: shooting for the moon in the job search and seeing where I would land (but that's a whole other conversation we won't get into).

As far as running, it's almost as if I want nothing to do with the physical act. I don't know if it's because I put so much pressure on myself about times to hit and distances to achieve...but I find myself going out for a run and coming back disappointed in what I "accomplished."

But did I try? Did I lace up my sneakers and take those first steps to leave the house behind me? Yes, I did. And that right there should be enough. But it's not.

I am coming out of retirement and I sometimes find that I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself anymore.

Because, you see, once you are an athlete, it's something that doesn't leave your bloodstream. I will always be hard on myself...that is never going to change.

But what I need to do, what I need to start focusing on is running for myself. I am not reporting times back to my coach and I am not on anyone else's schedule. This is my time. My workouts. That is what I need to remind myself...but I am just not there yet.

So I guess what I am trying to say is Summer 2016 has been a challenge. And for anyone who has experienced the transition from being a collegiate athlete to entering the "real world," you know what I am talking about.

I am coming out of retirement and I sometimes find that I look in the mirror and barely recognize myself anymore.

If you are coming up on your year when you are about experience this transition, athlete or not, I want you to know what I didn't know: It's hard. I won't lie about that. This transition is something you've never experienced before in your life. It's a million new things, all taking place at once. And you may start to feel like you are losing your own identity.

But this is what I don't want you to do: I don't want you to get caught up in it like I did. Look in the mirror and see yourself for who you are.

Embrace this new chapter in your life. Embrace the time you get to become someone you've never been before. Just because you may not recognize yourself doesn't mean you are gone. Your old characteristics are still there, trust me.

But if you are like me and you're struggling to find yourself, don't give up. Don't be gloomy about the situation. Take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and accept the fact that this is what it means to come out of retirement.

It has taken me a while to get here (not that I am sure that I am here yet). But I am trying. With every "....but I'm fine" statement I make to people, I try my best to start believing it.

I am coming out of retirement and I am realizing this isn't the end...it's just the beginning and it's time to find myself again.